I don't know how many times I have heard something like, "Why didn't you ask?" from teachers, parents and even myself! It sounds like such a simple solution, to ask a question in order to find understanding, but it's not always that easy, and I sometimes forget it when talking with my own kids.
In first grade, I was diagnosed with a language based learning disability that we strongly believe is dyslexia. I spent years in a world where people around me seemed to understand so much more then I did and so much quicker then I could even dream of decoding it. I spent the majority of my educational career enrolled in special ed classes and when I got pregnant with my first child, I knew there was a good chance that he would have a learning disability as well. I was wrong. He has Autism.
Over time I learned to ask for clarification when I needed it, leaving it simple for me to repeat again and again to my son and, later, my daughter "Why didn't you ask?!" as if it was really that simple. Because sometimes it is. Because we want it to be and because it's easy when you're not in their shoes. But it's not always that simple and I, of all people, should understand that for my son.
We emphasize the act of asking questions like it will provide all of the answers, but what about the times when you don't know you don't understand? It sounds silly but it happens. Think about it. Have you ever been asked to do something to which you answered, "Sure!" only to find out after completion that, even though you did it the way you understood the directions give, you did it wrong? Could you have asked prior to doing the task for clarification? Of course not because you didn't know you needed it! I can't count the number of times this has been the case for me nor how many times I have seen this situation in my children's lives.
While I tend to relax when I realize they didn't ask because they thought that they understood, I have seen teachers and others continue to demand an explanation as to why they didn't ask if they didn't understand, as if they expect that my son, or whoever they are talking to, has clairvoyant powers and can see into the future to know that their understanding is wrong in order to reverse the problem before it occurs.
I have also found myself in situations that I didn't understand but I couldn't put into words what I needed in order to understand. For me, this is a huge issue in math. It's like listening to someone give directions in Latin with the use of charade like motions to boot but when you know you've gotten lost somewhere between the odd arm flailing and the awkward jumping yet you're not quite sure what either of those motions had to do with anything to begin with it is almost just as confusing to try to ask what is going on, especially when you stare at the person talking like they have three heads, only able to utter the word "Huh?!" to which they only respond to further questions trying to determain where to restart the explanation and what needs further attention but you can't seem to figure out what you don't understand but you know you don't understand it. Confused? I'm not surprised. It's a web of frustration, confusion and unformed questions that is terrible to be stuck in, especially when you then get blamed for not knowing how to get out of it or what questions to ask in order to get the appropriate tools to help you get out of it! That's a situation that often results in the victim caught in the web often just sits back trying to hold back tears and says nothing.
These issues are just topped off by being different. Kids with special needs weather it be learning disabilities or autism know that they are not the same as their peers. They are treated differently on a regular basis and struggle in ways that easily make them feel less intelligent then others. Asking questions can feel like just further emphasizing their lack of intelligence, as they see it, and the fact that they are different when all they want to do is fit in. If others aren't asking questions it can feel too risky to ask their own questions, especially if they feel like the question was already answered or it revolves around a concept they just don't understand. It might sound silly but when you already feel like you're treated differently or that you're less intelligent due to a disability, it doesn't matter that you have an higher then average IQ. It doesn't matter that you may be struggling in this subject but you excel in another, all that matters is that you feel stupid and you don't want anyone else to see just how stupid you are.
Finally, it can be hard to find a safe place, a place that feels safe to be vulnerable and ask questions without fear of the outcome. It's not always the students who act in a cruel manor or with a lack of understanding, teachers do, too. Students can tell when their teachers are frustrated with them for asking a question and they hear the whispering from their peers followed by poorly hidden snickers. It may only take on negative response from a person to destroy the feeling safety and go back to feeling along and isolated; maybe even ashamed. Sadly, many kids with disabilities are left to navigate their entire educational career with few to help them along the way but many who provide obstetrical of low understanding and/or cruelty and who wants to open yourself up to that pain and disappointment over and over again?
While I focused primarily on the school environment in this blog, these issues span the entire range of life. These struggles effect not just success in educational environments but employment opportunities, relationships and even therapy. One bad experience can produce anxiety or negative feelings in all similar situations. And these experiences aren't just limited to those with disabilities, either. It is up to us, those around someone struggling, to provide the most safe environment we can filled with patience, understanding and support. Maybe what they ask seems like a silly question to us, but there was a time when we didn't know that very same piece of information, either. There was a time when we had a question that sounded silly to someone else. Embrace the curiosity and the courage it took to ask the question and leave behind the judgments. That's one of the best gifts we can give anyone!
Hear what Piece had to say about why it's hard to ask questions here!
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