In my last blog I talked about some reasons why we don't ask questions, but I think one of the biggest reasons our children as well as ourselves refrain from asking questions is the response of others. I can't tell you how many times I was told that, basically, the issue wasn't a learning disability, but me or that my son just needed to grow up, a better parent or to just try harder. These responses can be devastating!
My earliest memory of this was when I was in third grade. I remember sitting in my desk staring at the reader we were supposed to be reading. There was a word on the page that I felt like I should know, but I couldn't figure it out. Even though I had that feeling like I had read it before, it didn't look like any word I was familiar with. I sat there, staring, willing myself to see the word and recognize it. I looked at it letter by little letter, but it might as well have been Greek. So I stood up, book in hand and made my way across the room to ask my teacher, exhausted from the attempt to decode the message. I pointed to the word and informed her I didn't know that word. She looked at me like I had just delivered a bad joke and said, "I'm not going to tell you that word. I know you know it. Now go back to your desk and read." So, more embarrass then ever, I made my way back to my desk and I did figure it out. It was the first time I realized that my brain didn't work like a typical person's; the first time I realized that my brain doesn't decode language like one may expect. The word, by the way was "will".
From there I had teachers who would refuse to read my IEP (Individual Education Plan) which I had for my language based learning disability, so was appalled when I, or even my parents, would ask for assistance that was clearly in my IEP. I had teachers tell me I was just being lazy, that I was using my services and help with my special ed teacher as an opportunity to have her do my work for me. I was told that they didn't believe in learning disabilities or may just that I had one, and that I just wasn't trying hard enough. I have been told that by asking for help I was expecting special treatment and that giving me what I needed wasn't fair to the rest of the class.
Of course none of these comments helped me feel as if I was worth much nor did it enhance my self confidence. In fact, I was pretty sure I was stupid and that it didn't matter what I did, it wasn't enough since I could try ten times harder then the majority of my peers and still not get an A. Of course, having guidance counselors who considered the fact that I had an IEP all the reason needed to assume that I couldn't handle anything but the most fundamental and basic classes, always putting me in the easiest classes available because obviously I couldn't handle anything more challenging. Thankfully my mom fought for me, and she fought hard until my high school graduation day.
Out in the real world, I've faced ignorance more times then I can count, People assume that when I say, "I"m dyslexic" that that just means I see things backwards, not that it actually touches pretty much all communication and every aspect of my life. Like a person with Autism, my mind is wired differently and instead of many embracing it, they judge.
Yet, after all this, seeing similar experiences befall on my son has been so much harder! I've heard time and time again that he needs to grow up and act his age. I've been told that he is smart enough to achieve their tasks and goals set for him, he just doesn't put forth the effort. I've been told I'm a bad mother and I need to parent better and I've seen one teacher after another give up on him and just quit fighting. I couldn't believe it when I went to a member of my son's educational team with a concern and was told, " So basically, you both just got your feelings hurt a little bit." Of course, this was seconds before she turned away from me and continued to do whatever she was doing, which just hammered home the condescending attitude she very obviously had no problem expressing to me. This was after my son came home multiple days crying because his teacher was calling him a baby and basically bullying him in front of the class and. when I confronted her about it and spoke to her about changing her way of talking to him, promised she would...only to continue to do it.
I have even been told that his issues were not from Autism or any other diagnosis he he at the time, but a behavior issue caused by my less the adequate parenting. This was followed by a refusal to help him unless we did what they wanted. Of course, the fact that he wasn't progressing in the way they wanted him to didn't help. I sometimes wonder if they had put aside their cruel judgment, listened to us and saw him as a person, not to mention helped when we asked for it, if we may have received a diagnosis and services that were right for him sooner. But there's nothing we can do about it now but move forward.
So why is it hard to ask for help or for changes? Because we have been taught by the outside world that it's our fault and if we were better, stronger or smarter, we wouldn't need the extra support. We have been taught that needing things to be different is a reflection of our own inadequacies and that we are not worthy enough to get what we need because it's an inconvenience for them and it is our own fault that we need the help so no, we can't get it...but our peers can get what they need and those same people who told us no will happily and passionately fight for our "normal" peers.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone in the world is guilty of this, but too many are. It's easy to turn a blind eye to how what we say or do to others effects them, but know we have the power to build others up or be a part of tearing them down. We must make the choice to do what we think is right. We must choose to welcome questions and readily, with pride and glee give help to those who need it. These are the reasons that aren't readily spoken for so many's determination to get through without help and without asking. Be the reason for those around you to start asking questions again and feel safe doing it. You have no idea the difference you can make!
Hear about some of Piece's personal experiences here!
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