The World According to Piece: Anxiety Pt. 1

Anxiety. It's a big word for someone who has experienced it. It sounds like an excuse, like by saying  "I can't because of the anxiety" I'm jut pulling something out of the air to get out of doing something I really don't want to do. But let me assure you, it's not. People have told me to just get over it or that it will get better if I just work my way through it by doing what makes me so anxious. And yes, I've been told that it's no big deal and it's all in my head or I'm just making it a bigger deal then t needs to be.

I don't know all of the medical terms. To be honest, I don't want to. My anxiety isn't some experience to be described with a hodgepodge of medical terms, it's real and, at times, it consumes me. Sometimes I fear that it is becoming dangerously close to defining me but I do fight against it. I do try to defeat it and sometimes I struggle just to get through the day. I don't need you to tell me that I don't need to worry so much, I know that. Tell me my anxiety is irrational and I might throw something at you because the truth is, I know that but that information doesn't help the situation, if anything, it makes it worse. Because generalized anxiety disorder doesn't have to rational but it can be debilitating. 

One of my biggest triggers is being in a car. That's why I don't drive. I'm usually pretty O.K if the car isn't moving, but once it starts that's when I feel it. While this is not by any means my only trigger (sometimes I don't even know what triggers the anxiety) it is one that is pretty dependable so that's the situation I have decided to put you in.

I ride in the car next to my husband, who is driving. I trust his driving. I've been riding in the car with him for ten years and have never been hurt. Any car accidents we've been in have been few and far between, not to mention  very minor. I trust him with the most precious things in my life but still, I start to tense even as we back out of the driveway. 

He eases the car into the busy road by where we live and my breath catches. My eyes dart around to the cars around us and, as they pass, my heart beats faster and harder until I feel like it is going to pound out of my chest. We turn onto another road, across traffic and I see a car making it's way toward us. Even though the car is half a block away, my hands clutch for dear life at anything I can reach, my chest tightens until it's almost hard to breath and my eyes squeeze shut. I can't help but to hold my breath.

My husband gently lays his hand on my knee and in a very understanding voice as he tries to hide his slight amusement, reassures me that its O.K. The car is no where near us and that he has the situation under control. I still have to consciously, with all the will power I can muster, mentally convince my muscles to release and relax. After all, there was no real threat and, even if there were, it's over now, right?

But each time my body tenses; each time by breath catches and every time I have to remind myself to breath, it becomes harder and harder to fully recover to a relaxed state. Every time I look out of the window and my poor spacial skills trick me into thinking we are a little too close to the curb, the center line or the car next to us, my body reacts. I tense, my eyes close and, again, I have to remind myself to breath. I have to remind myself that that image of the cars colliding in my head isn't real and that I trust the man next to me driving. 

This is what riding in the car is like for me. Pretty much every second of riding in the car, until my chest doesn't ease up again and my muscles remain so tight that they ache. I can spend hours of my day stuck in a fight or flight situation, trying to find my way out again. 

And that is just one situation. Just one trigger. Can you imagine living your whole life knowing that at any moment your chest will constrict so much that it's hard to breath and may even hurt while your heart tries to jump out of your chest and your muscles tighten so much that it hurts while you struggle to erase the need to run or escape. It's worse when you know there's no reason for the feeling, that there is no logical trigger that has occurred. There is no lion chasing you. The crazy psycho killer you have pictured in your head is a fictional character. The worse case scenario isn't likely to happen and some things are just not worth hanging on the the possibility of.

Maybe anxiety is an "excuse" but sometimes, I don't feel like I'm even going to survive the day, let alone add on more, so I do what I must. You don't have to really understand...in fact I kind of hope you don't because to really understand anxiety is to experience it and I don't wish it upon anyone, but this is my reality. This is one of the many ways that anxiety rears it's ugly head into my daily life and I know I'm not the only one anxiety haunts so, before you judge, think about this. Think about this story and what your life would be like if you were constantly trying to hide from a monster within or out run something that has possessed you. I doubt you'd be so willing to judge harshly then. 

We all experience anxiety differently! Find out how Piece experiences it here!