Recently I wrote about how to be a good friend to a person with Autism and it got me thinking. What about parents of someone with Autism? Don't we deserve friends? It's a lonely world being a special needs parent and we don't often think about how it affects our social lives as much as how it affects our kids'.
As adults, we like to think we have all of the answers. We like to think that we know how to create and produce meaningful relationships with others. But do we really? Do we really think about how to be the best friend we can be to someone who's circumstances may appear to be so similar to ours but is actually very different?
So here are some tips to help you be the best friend you can to a parent of someone with Autism (in no particular order).
- Remember that your experiences are not necessarily theirs- While you may both be parents, being the parent of a person with Autism can be very different. Our normals, expectations, concerns, milestones and abilities of our kids may all be different and on different time lines then you may expect. That doesn't make it bad or wrong, just different in a different set of circumstances.
- Avoid comments of judgments and celebrate when it's time- Some our kids grow, mature and sometimes function at a lower level then may be expected from someone of their age so when a milestone or achievement is reached, even when it seems mild or late, celebrate it. There is no need to make comments like, "Finally!" or "It's about time!" or even "Shouldn't he have done that before?" Weather you mean it to or not, comments like those are demeaning and undermine the accomplishment achieved. Why not celebrate just as you would had it happened earlier?
- Get to know your friend's child- A child with Autism may be a little more difficult to get to know, but there's no reason not to put forth the energy to do so. By getting to know the child and connecting with them, you'll find some understanding in them and in what your friend lives with. You'll get to know what triggers a meltdown and signs that a meltdown in coming. You'll learn their obsessions, what calms them, and what they avoid. It is amazing how much your relationships can grow when you get to know these amazing people!
- Remember, not everyone with Autism is the same- Sure, you may have come across someone with Autism before in your life, but that doesn't mean that that person and your friend's child are the same. Just like anyone else, they are an individual and their Autism may look very different then anyone else's you've come across. By getting to know them as an individual, you'll better be able to understand and define their "brand" of Autism further strengthening your relationships with everyone involved.
- Be accommodating- While this may sound like a lot of work, it doesn't have to be. The best friend I've had since having my son was one that got to my son and learned his triggers, signs that he was on the verge of a melt down or had passed his threshold of what he could handle and techniques to help him be the most successful person he could. Further more, she tried to remove anything that was "bad sensory" for my son and when she hosted gatherings always made sure that there was a space that he could go if it was too much for him and he needed to get away. She got to know him so well and bonded so great with him that watching out for him and helping to be sure he got what he needed when we were all together was as natural as caring for her own children. We always felt welcome, understood and experienced less stress while attending events there while never feeling left out because we weren't invited or couldn't go because my son had a hard time in those environments,
- Get to know and understand terminology- For example, a tantrum and a meltdown are not the same thing. By understanding settelties such as these, you can better communicate and understand better. There's nothing worse then saying, "Man, yesterday my son had a number of meltdowns." and having your friend respond with, "Yeah, last week my kid was tired and was pitching fits left and right!" Or, even better, "When my kid throws a tantrum I punish them this way." There is a difference between the two.
- Don't make a big deal about the diagnosis- Yes, someone who's child has Autism has different experiences, but we don't want Autism to be the center of all conversation or to be pitted because our kids have Autism. We just want you to remember and acknowledge that it's a reality and move on. Respect and love our kids for their differences with out focusing too much on it.
But really, the most important part is to be supportive and as understanding as you can. Unless you have a child with Autism, you don't know what it's like, but trust me when I say, it can be really lonely. Be there for the parents in the best way you can. They need it. They'll be thankful you did.
Do you have any tips for being the best friend you can be to someone who's child has Autism? Let us know in the comments!
Want to know what tips Piece has for being a friend with someone who has Autism? Click here!
Want my tips about how to be a friend with someone with autism? Go here!
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